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| if you wanna make the world a better place
take a look at yourself and then make the change --michael jackson I have decided to sponsor a child. During my days of excess tv watching at the beginning of the year, I saw a planusa commercial. I've seen commercials like these for years, but on that day I decided to check out their website. I was simply curious, but I ended up bookmarking the page because I thought, maybe I'd like to do that. Days & months passed and I thought about it occasionally whenever I saw the link in my bookmarks, but glossed over it. There are tons of things I tell myself I'd like to do, but rarely end up actually doing them for whatever reason.
Then my birthday came up last month. Normally I buy myself a present. Nothing crazy. Maybe a sweater or pair of shoes or jeans. Whatever it is I feel I need at the time. As I was thinking about what to get myself, my thoughts flashed to the planusa website and it made me think, maybe I'll give someone else a gift instead. My birthday came and went and I still did nothing. I wasn't sure. It's not a big monetary burden. My cell bill is over twice the monthly amount. But it's a long commitment. It's something I wouldn't want to quit in the middle. I can cancel my cell, but I can't cancel someone at age 10. I'd want to contribute to this kid until he's 18. Was it something I really wanted to commit myself to? You never know what the future holds. Life is unexpected. I needed a 2nd opinion. I decided to ask WG what he thought. I took me a couple weeks to bring it up. I'm weird about finding the perfect time to talk about important things. So I told him I had this idea and wanted to know if he thought it would be something good for me to do. His response was so enthusiastically positive; it really surprised me and affirmed that I had to do this.
I've given it some thought as to why. I know it's a good deed. That goes without saying. But I also know I'm doing it for me. I won't kid myself. It's like that episode of Friends where Joey says there's no such thing as an unselfish good deed and Phoebe tries to prove him wrong. My good deed is definitely selfish. I often feel insignificant, as though I'm not contributing anything worthwhile to society. Helping a child in need, a stranger halfway around the world, reassures me that my life and existence now matters to one person. And this will be a one-way road of love. He doesn't have to ever give me anything or do anything for me or even thank me. He just has to accept my gifts and LIVE HIS LIFE. And so, I introduce to you: H, a 2-year-old boy from Vietnam. 
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| Em loaned me this book. I heard about it awhile back and wanted to read it. She put it in the same bag as my gift, so when I was at WG's place, he wanted me to open my present and out came this book! Hmmm a bit awkward... hahahaha! Pretty funny :) Here's my rankings with the first being my primary love language.
Quality Time.
I'm definitely someone who cherishes moments in life. Sometimes the events that stick out aren't even big events. Sometimes they are the small, insignificant but poignant moments that wouldn't matter to anyone else but me. I appreciate people who make plans to do something just with me. I appreciate people who agree to do things with me, even if I know it's not where they really want to be. I appreciate quality conversations that happen out of thin air where you learn something insightful about the other person. I appreciate people who truly want to know my thoughts & opinions and dig it out of me rather than accepting my generic responses and moving on. At first I thought physical touch would be my primary... so how did I figure out it was QT instead? The book said to think about which would upset you the most if it were lacking. Wasn't too hard to look into the past and see it was quality time.
Physical Touch.
A hug goes a loooong way. All the little touches... hand on my back, holding my hand, forehead kisses... pretty much anything. Maybe I crave this because my parents aren't very touchy-feely. My mom would give good night hugs when we were kids, but nothing beyond that. And my dad is extremely anti-physical touch. He won't get out of the car to hug me goodbye when he drops me off at the airport. So I pat his shoulder, say I love you, get out, then watch as he immediately drives off. I'm guessing my mom's primary is not physical touch, otherwise she'd be mighty unhappy. It also means a lot to me to receive physical touch around other people. It affirms in my mind that I am special and important. I remember one incident with a past bf at a house party. I was bored and sitting on a couch and he sat down on the ground near me and started talking to those around us. Then out of the blue, he reached out and put his hand around my ankle and held it. He didn't stop his conversations or even look at me, but that touch made me feel so warm on the inside. It sounds ridiculous, right? Not to me.
Gifts.
I initially thought this would be last, until I read the chapter. I'm not a materialistic person who craves designer-anything, but I do value gifts. Cari makes fun of me and says I keep everything that anyone gives me. It's true. Most of the random trinkets or items in my room are gifts from friends or my mom. I realized as I was reading the chapter that I really cherish thoughtful gifts over expensive gifts. Throwing a diamond necklace at me is nice, but as it turns out, it makes me feel generic, like it could've been for any other girl. I like gifts with meaning or sentimental value, esp if it really means something to the giver. I like receiving things that you saw that reminded you of me... or things you know I really need/want. It's not about the cost of the gift. It's about the thought behind it. And in turn, I try to buy gifts for people that I think they want/need or that remind me of them. Sometimes it's not really well-received and I don't get the reaction I'm hoping for, but instead of letting it hurt my feelings, maybe it should be my hint that gifts is not their primary.
Acts of Service.
When guys do acts of service for me, I fully know they are doing it to show they care. I feel I'm a pretty independent person. I don't really need anyone to do chores for me, and I almost never ask, but it is really nice when they do. When I do acts of service, it's 100% to show that I care. In fact, it's kind of my non-verbal way of showing they are more important than anyone else. The weird part is I actually kind of enjoy it. Hmmm but also I think I like to attempt to bring order & organization to people's lives... the ocd side of me gets satisfaction from this!
Words of Affirmation.
I do appreciate being appreciated, but I don't necessarily need the words. A genuine smile or hug goes a lot farther with me than words. I wrote in a previous post that I don't take compliments well, and in turn, I don't give them out very well. This is not to say I don't appreciate compliments or words of appreciation. They are nice to hear and sometimes important to hear, but they don't really push the same buttons. I've been conned by words in the past, so to me, words can be the weakest way to show love. Words combined with a touch? Now that's golden...
So what's yours? I'm a victim of trying to be too well-rounded. In relationships, I find myself doing all five, mostly focusing on the first two because they are most important to me. It turns out the things we do for others to show we care are the things we really want them to do for us. Makes sense, right? I think this can be helpful in friendships also.... for example, I'm pretty convinced Julia is a "words of affirmation" person. So if I extend some to her, will she feel loved/secure in our friendship? :) | | |
| i was going to blog about something else, but i just talked to my mom, who informed me that her cousin's 4-year-old kid suddenly passed away yesterday. the last time i saw her was xmas and she was really cute. it was their only kid. i'm not sure they are young enough to have another kid, even if they wanted to. sigh. life comes and life goes.
then my mom told me that my dad said if my bro or i passed away before them, he wouldn't be able to handle it. that really hit something in me, maybe because my dad's not a big show-emotion type of person. it made me want to say, "okay, dad, i promise not to die before you," to ensure he'd never have to feel that pain. no one can make that kind of promise, but from now on, i'll be more careful with my life. sometimes i get a little arrogant that things won't happen to me. like today i went to the market and walked right in front of a car in the parking lot without slowing my stride, because i knew the car would stop for me. it wasn't that close... but close enough that if it didn't stop, it would've hit me. i do this all the time. i don't know why exactly. i'll be walking with people and they'll hesitate to make sure cars are slowing down, but not me. i'll just keep on walking, with that arrogance of, "you better see me and stop."
i'm older but apparently not much wiser. i'll stop my ridiculous arrogance. i have to live... not only for myself, but for my parents, my brother, my family, my friends and wg. i would never want to be the cause of anyone's unbearable sorrow.
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| i haven't had any substantial dreams for months, but last night's made up for the drought... i was 12 and had a younger brother & sister, ages 5 and 6. i think i was also white, since they were white... haha. we were kidnapped from our school by a man in his 40's. i don't remember how he managed to kidnap all 3 of us, but he had a weapon. we didn't resist. after that, my brother & sister ceased being in the dream, so i don't know if he let them go or if they got away somehow. i was the one the man was most interested in anyway. he didn't molest me though. that wasn't his purpose. i think he just wanted some kids to have a family. i was with him for 4-5 years and only twice i tried to get away. the first time was right after being taken. i don't remember what i tried to do, but he caught me right away and i was scared he was going to hurt me, but he didn't. he only threatened. the second time was a couple years into it. i had already begun thinking of him as my guardian rather than my abductor. he let me come and go and i didn't try to run. then one night i went outside to move my car -- don't ask why a 14 yr old would have a car -- and i saw a white car behind mine pushing it down the street. then my car turned a corner and took off! i started screaming at the carjacker and ran down the street after my car. then another truck pulled up from another street and it was 3 of my friends who yelled, "come on, get in!" i jumped onto the ledge behind the cab and held on, but suddenly the truck started having car problems (of course) and my captor came out (i had been screaming after all) and i let the truck drive away without me. after that, we moved and i switched schools. i don't know how i got away at the end, but i remember wondering if my real family was still looking for me or if they had accepted the loss and moved on. i wondered if this man was the closest thing to family i had left and if i should've stayed with him rather than trying to return to my real parents. it was kind of sad. p.s. i'm going to become big phony's groupie. i love, love this song! really sweet lyrics. :) | | |
| i recently went to vegas with WG and some of his friends. we drove there/back with 2 of his girl friends x and y. i'd hung out with them many times before. after we dropped them off, WG said, "so they asked me if you like them..." i was shocked. really? x&y are girls who are so cool, so confident, so trendy, so sociable... and i am not up to par with them in any of those categories. and they think i don't like them??? incredible.
i mulled over this for a couple days. pictures began being posted on fb. a couple other people from the trip added me as friends, so i decided to add y (x had added me weeks earlier) and i sent her a message saying it was nice getting to know her better in vegas. the next time i saw WG, we were driving along and he said, "so, the other day, y asked me, 'did you tell heather.....'" he gave me this side look and i immediately busted out laughing! not because it was funny, but because i am so transparent! well, he told her he didn't tell me, and that her reply was, "ok, so it was genuine."
genuine. that part bugged me. so what if he told me? what i said to her was genuine. it was nice getting to know her better. i wasn't being fake. even if he hadn't told me anything, i probably would've still added her once those other people started adding me. maybe i wouldn't have sent a personal message, but that would've been more due to social hierarchy (her being cooler than me) than anything else.
then i thought of another past incident. it was my 26th birthday and i got a little drunk and went up to mikey and said, "i don't think em likes me." his reaction was pure shock, which shocked me! a week later, i got a gift card in the mail from em and i thought, "oh, she's just doing that because mikey told her what i said..." i thought she wasn't being genuine. i remember sitting there, staring at the card for a long time and deciding right then that i would believe it was genuine and give it the benefit of the doubt. so i did. and we slowly got to know each other. and now i think of her as my friend, rather than my friend's wife. :)
so maybe i could really become friends with x & y. i'm not sure though. i feel like they're really different from me. i'm like this dorky goofball who does stupid things and embarrasses myself & people who are with me. hahaha. they are so not that. if i let down my shy-guard, they would probably think i am lame! :p oh well... these things take time...
p.s. i'm addicted to this song.
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Lifetime
